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post #1 of 26 (permalink) Old 13-12-2016, 17:13 Thread Starter
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A Liverpool girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Liverpool girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and
Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Liverpool girl, "It's great because if they are out
playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!'
Or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare
worker.
"That's easy," says the Liverpool girl... "I just use their surnames"

Q. What do you call a 27 year old Liverpool girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Liverpool girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Liverpool girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Liverpool girls in a car without any music - who is
driving?
A. The policewoman
Q. What's the most confusing day in Liverpool ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Liverpool ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!

Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you
raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Liverpool fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Liverpool
fan,then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Chelsea fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a
Chelsea fan?'
'Because my mum is a Chelsea fan, and my dad is a Chelsea fan, so I'm a
Chelsea fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason
for you to be a Chelsea fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time...
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what
would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Liverpool fan.

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's
Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a
pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the
pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the
Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The
arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone!
It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on
disability benefits.

A Scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the
Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing'.
We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a
chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters.
You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform
provided.
The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to
escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays.
The Salary package is 200,000 a year'.
The Scouser said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a
suspicious object was discovered in a car.
It later turned out to be a tax disc.

Police in Liverpool last night announced the discovery of an arms cache
of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 20 tons
of heroin, 5 million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked
Ukrainian prostitutes, all in a semi-detached house behind the Public
Library in Toxteth.
Local residents were stunned, and a community spokesman said:"We're all
really shocked; we didn't know we had a library!
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Don't be silly all the time ask your question.
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post #2 of 26 (permalink) Old 13-12-2016, 17:33
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C'mon Cabby, just because more than 58% of scousers voted for remain

Dick
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post #3 of 26 (permalink) Old 13-12-2016, 18:15
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Glandwr View Post
C'mon Cabby, just because more than 58% of scousers voted for remain

Dick


I rest his case


tony

WARNING.!!... The above post may contain an opinion

Academia and government artificially select for particular traits, among which is a lack of life experience. This is why it's possible for a person to be exceptionally bright while failing to grasp something as rudimentary as supply and demand.

Intellectuals: All engine, no map.


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post #4 of 26 (permalink) Old 13-12-2016, 18:53 Thread Starter
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No more witnesses M'Lud

cabby

Don't be silly all the time ask your question.
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post #5 of 26 (permalink) Old 14-12-2016, 00:05
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. . . You could of course substitute Eastbourne for Liverpool

The people shouldn't be fearful of the government,
The government should be fearful of the people
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post #6 of 26 (permalink) Old 14-12-2016, 10:56
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Originally Posted by vicdicdoc View Post
. . . You could of course substitute Eastbourne for Liverpool
Nope, no one there could remember the punchlines, the only thing they can remember to say is "I'm 85 you know!" and their idea of a day out is going for their free flu jab.
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post #7 of 26 (permalink) Old 14-12-2016, 13:34 Thread Starter
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That just shows how out of date you are then. The age ratio has changed dramatically and is now at only 38% over 65.

cabby

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post #8 of 26 (permalink) Old 14-12-2016, 15:05
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Yes mainly due to an influx of students (so only temporary residents really) and Care Workers, to wipe your bums for you.

That probably accounts for the second most common language spoken being Polish.
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post #9 of 26 (permalink) Old 14-12-2016, 15:12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cabby View Post
That just shows how out of date you are then. The age ratio has changed dramatically and is now at only 38% over 65.

cabby
I think the jokes are a bit out of date as well.

Substitute the word Scouser for Black, Packi, Muslim and it would be racist and it would not be allowed, and I do not think it would be posted.
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post #10 of 26 (permalink) Old 14-12-2016, 15:20
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I think the jokes are a bit out of date as well.

Substitute the word Scouser for Black, Packi, Muslim and it would be racist and it would not be allowed, and I do not think it would be posted.
Even worse substitute a religion based at the eastern end of the Mediterranean for Scouser and you won't get out alive.
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