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post #1 of 759 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 16:55 Thread Starter
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Jokes Trivia Poetry videos & other general nonsense

I've abandoned my joke thread as I sometimes want to post different things.

You are all invited to post your jokes etc here too.

To kick it off.

Getting rid of stress

Walk barefoot doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine.
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post #2 of 759 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 17:57
Rest In Peace Mike, 1944-2017.
 
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I thought

and I thought

and I thought in vain

and so I simply wrote my Name.



Mike
When confronted by a problem, you can solve it easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
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post #3 of 759 (permalink) Old 11-02-2013, 18:22
Rest In Peace Mike, 1944-2017.
 
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Ok Kev the autograph book poetry was a cr*p idea ... but I have just remembered a great video that I saw that helped explain the economic crisis in Europe so thought I should pop it in here .... it's just the sort of thing to kick off your thread...honest !!!


<iframe width="560" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/I5QwKEwo4Bc" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

Mike
When confronted by a problem, you can solve it easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"
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post #4 of 759 (permalink) Old 12-02-2013, 15:20 Thread Starter
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Not sure what to make of that.


This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

"This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.
"Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."
"Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."
"Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.
"Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."
"No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.
"Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.
"Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.
"It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.
"Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.
After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real T**t when you're drunk."
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post #5 of 759 (permalink) Old 13-02-2013, 07:15 Thread Starter
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A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning. Im not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"
"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.
He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere,
He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?"
And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."
So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the shwing."

================================================== ===================

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"


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post #6 of 759 (permalink) Old 13-02-2013, 17:12 Thread Starter
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================================================== =====

A drunken man walked up to a parking meter and puts in some change. The meter goes up to sixty and he says, "Hey, I lost 90 Kilos!"

================================================== =====
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post #7 of 759 (permalink) Old 13-02-2013, 18:00
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This is an old one,so here goes.

A guy sitting in a pub with his mates.when every time someone walks in they greet him with" Hello Eric ".
This goes on all night every time someone walks in.One of his mates says " blimey Eric your popular in here tonight."
Eric says " where ever i go people know me ",Ah come off it said his mate.
I`ll prove it said Eric .They leave the pub and hail a taxi and the driver says hello Eric.
His mate says " your are setting me up " i`m not says Eric,even the pope know me "No way said his mate "
I will prove it to you and set off to the vatican in Rome.
Walking through the corridors all the Bishops are greeting Eric until he meets the pope. Hello Eric says the pope,I`m just going out onto the balcony to greet the crowd,would you like come out with me,so out they go .
The crowd are cheering when one person in the crowd says to people around him.

Who`s that bloke with Eric

My wife says i dont listen to her...........I think thats what she said.
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post #8 of 759 (permalink) Old 14-02-2013, 16:40 Thread Starter
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After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Sorry for the antiquity
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post #9 of 759 (permalink) Old 14-02-2013, 17:41
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Re: Jokes Trivia Poetry videos & other general nonsense

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kev_n_Liz
Getting rid of stress

Walk barefoot doing so stimulates pressure points on the soles, releasing the calming hormone dopamine.
Doesnt work as good as a case of Leffe Blonde though and not nearly as much fun! Ill try drinking while walking around barefoot next time though and report back.
greygit and greygit like this.


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post #10 of 759 (permalink) Old 15-02-2013, 06:03 Thread Starter
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Lunatics


Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city. "That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!" The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine." The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"
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