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post #1 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 13:23 Thread Starter
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Elderly relative - your ideas please

My father in law is 83 and lives by himself in a semi. His bedroom and only bathroom/toilet are upstairs. He is the nicest bloke you could meet and has a great sense of humour. He is also the most stubborn bloke you could meet and his default answer to any question/suggestion is "no no no no..." He will not accept help from anyone for anything as he values his independence.

He has really dodgy knees which means his mobility is severely impeded. He has started to use a stick when walking but that's it. He only goes food shopping every 2 weeks now as its too much effort to go every week.

In the early hours of yesterday morning he awoke in his armchair (having fallen asleep) at 4.30 in the morning. Upon getting up to go to bed he fell and was not discovered by concerned neighbours until 10.00am having spent the 5.5 hours on the floor as he couldn't get up. Fortunately he hasn't physically hurt himself. it transpires that this isn't the first time he has fallen.

Now, as a result of this we have to get him to make changes in his life whether he likes it or not. He is going to hate this but strong conversations have to be had. We cannot pop down every 2 mins as he lives 150 miles from us. Our son pops in regularly as he only lives 15 miles or so away. He does have good neighbours but he needs to help himself as well.

As a result of the above so far we have decided upon the following...

- I have ordered an alarm call/fall monitoring system which I shall take with me next Saturday when I visit him. It's like a wristwatch but if he falls his house will be called by the monitors. If he does not reassure them they will ring his list of contacts who will come round to check on him

- I contacted Social services but they can do nothing unless he agrees.

- My son is picking up a couple of walking frames tomorrow or him: one for the downstairs next to where he sits and one for his bedroom. These are just so he has something to lean on when he gets up out of his chair or bed.

- A neighbour is installing an external key safe so they can get access if needed.

- I will install a grab rail next to his chair as an extra to the walking frame.

- My wife will be contacting his Dr tomorrow to arrange a home visit.

- When I visit him I'll be having several chats concerning a stair lift; social services; Power of Attorney etc etc

So the question is...can you think of anything else we can do/try?

Any sensible suggestions welcome.

ta
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post #2 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 14:36
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Sounds pretty comprehensive Graham, and I'm sure you will also come up with other ideas, one I would suggest is online shopping if he has the capacity for that or maybe a close neighbour could go around with a laptop and do it with/for him.
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post #3 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 14:39 Thread Starter
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Thanks Kev

I'll discuss that next Saturday. He doesn't have t'internet despite being with BT since they were the GPO! I have tried over the years to sort out his bills for the phone, gas and electric as he stayed with the "gas board" and the "electricity board" since they were privatised...as well as BT. He is the classic person who is on their worst rates as we know they don't reward loyalty.

My son can easily do that with him.
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post #4 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 15:13
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I was going to suggest that or even you could do it too you don't need to be there, just set up an account and have a chat once a week about what he wants, of course then we get on to how much longer he can cook for himself and get in and out of the bath/shower, it comes to us all myself included.
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post #5 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 17:05
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That's difficult fo you Graham, but you seem to have most things covered as best you can. Good luck with it. At least he isn't driving, stopping that and telling them they will have to have full time care are the hardest things I think.

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post #6 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 17:37
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'Sell' the extra support to Dad, not as an admission that he has 'failed' [wounded pride is a strange thing!], but more of a way of keeping his independence, for the donkey's years he is going to be around, independent with necessary support, rather than having to consider going into residential care. A proud man, in possession of his full faculties, will have been frightened by the prolonged time before he was discovered, so the reassurance that this will not repeated, but that his independence will not be threatened will maintain his dignity and pride.


I had conversations with my parents, 'It's not for you, because I know you stubborn old buggers are old enough, daft enough and ugly enough to look after yourselves' It's to save me from worrying and having to drive 300 miles each way if there is a problem ... So there. Let me do something to help you, for once. You stubborn old sod' etc etc


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post #7 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 18:02
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While walking frames give greater stability my mother ended up relying on hers just that little too much and toppled over with it and broke many bones. That was virtually the end.

Ray.
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post #8 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 19:05
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The alarm you mention Graham, Is it just monitoring him or can he initiate to call for help like a pager if he is incapacitated? If not maybe a pager on an inconspicuous lanyard might be reassuring,
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post #9 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 19:13 Thread Starter
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No problem with that Ray - we'll be lucky if he uses it just for support to get up out of the chair. The young 'un is taking them to him tomorrow hopefully and he (the young 'un) is a cheeky blighter so may well get away with it. I've told him to put one in his granddads bedroom to make sure its up there.

I also told him to get the money for them as if FiL knows he's paid for it, then he'll maybe use it as he does not like waste.

What is massively frustrating is that we had a stair lift in our last house for Mrs GMJ. When we had it put in my FiL offered to pay for it (I told you he was a nice bloke) but we refused, not wanting to take money off a pensioner etc etc. When we had it taken out 5 years later as we were moving house we offered it to him and he refused. Had he paid for it originally we think he would have had it re-installed in his house as he hates waste and would have originally paid for it!

Thanks for the other words/support/suggestions folks
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post #10 of 69 (permalink) Old 07-11-2021, 19:20
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If his mobility is not so good, why not try him on CBD oil. It really works.



Vitality CBD products are now stocked by Asda and Tesco. Some are also stocked by Lloyds pharmacy (with a huge mark up). Try the 2400 strength which costs £30 at Supermarkets. You could also order them online if you want.

Nil Desperandum Illegitemide Carborundum
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