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Military History Of France

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#1 ·
Military History Of France

Gallic Wars: Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by, of all things, an Italian.

Hundred Years War: Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic (later promoted to the rank of Saint) who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare: "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."

Italian Wars: Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.

Wars of Religion: France goes 0-5 against the Huguenots

Thirty Years War: France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

War of Revolution: Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux.

The Dutch War: Tied.

War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War: Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Francophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.

War of the Spanish Succession: Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.

American Revolution: In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare: "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."

French Revolution: Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French.

The Napoleonic Wars: Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.

The Franco-Prussian War: Lost. Germany first plays the role of drunk fat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

World War I: Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States and Britain. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.

World War II: Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

War in Indochina: Lost. French forces plead sickness; take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.

Algerian Rebellion: Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the First Rule of Muslim Warfare: "We can always beat the French." This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

War on Terrorism: France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fail after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

Conclusion: The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?", but rather "How long until France collapses?"

"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."

Or, better still, the quote from the Wall Street Journal: "They're there when they need you."
 
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#2 ·
History speaks volumes however we still love France and the vast majority of French people we have come across are very helpful and friendly. It is a lovely country and apart from the larger cities its a dream to drive any where and so clean and neat. And the one trait I admire about the French, they stand up for themselves when they disagree with their government, they don,t just winge (the well known uk trait) and roll over like us.Oh did I mention the excellent food and wine often better weather!
 
#3 ·
That's what I can't get my head around. France is most probably the most beautiful and bountiful country in Europe yet the French don't seem to be able to 100% commit themselves to defend it.
And apart from cheese and frites I'm still looking for the famed French cuisine. I'm hoping for something a bit more special than tripes et frites!
Still love the place though.
 
#4 · (Edited)
Don

Brilliant piece.:laugh:

I hope you do not mind, perhaps I should have asked, but I have put a link to it over onto motorhomrfruitcakes forum, because there are some members on there who no longer frequent MHF, but will know you and probably pleased to know you are around again.

Of course I gave you Full Credits:smile2:

If a French Military Attaché sees this you may have always to route to Portugal via Santander(wink)

Geoff
 
#5 ·
I think France is wonderful because they just don't care what anyone else thinks about them.

Ray.
 
#6 ·
No pride eh?
 
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#8 ·
Perhaps the French are just not as good as us Brits in turning a defeat into a glorious heroic action? Poems such as 'Into the Valley of Death Rode the Six Hundred' sort of thing.

I may be incorrect with the figures but I believe the British surrendered 80,000 men at Singapore to add to the 50,000 taken previously as the Japanese attacked down the Malay Peninsular.
 
#9 ·
Perhaps the French are just not as good as us Brits in turning a defeat into a glorious heroic action? Poems such as 'Into the Valley of Death Rode the Six Hundred' sort of thing.

I may be incorrect with the figures but I believe the British surrendered 80,000 men at Singapore to add to the 50,000 taken previously as the Japanese attacked down the Malay Peninsular.
True, but didn't those beastly Nips attack from the wrong side? Dastardly behaviour, what School did they go to that encouraged such things? It just was NOT cricket old chap!

For the British military command in Singapore, war was still fought by the 'rule book'.

one British Officer (Junior) commenting on the build up of British forces in Malaya commented that he was heard complaining that the newly completed defences in Singapore might put off the Japanese from landing there.

"I do hope we are not getting too strong in Malaya because if so the Japanese may never attempt a landing."

The Japanese onslaught through the Malay Peninsula took everybody by surprise. Speed was of the essence for the Japanese, never allowing the British forces time to re-group. This was the first time British forces had come up against a full-scale attack by the Japanese. Any thoughts of the Japanese fighting a conventional form of war were soon shattered. The British had confidently predicted that the Japanese would attack from the sea. This explained why all the defences on Singapore pointed out to sea. It was inconceivable to British military planners that the island could be attacked any other way - least of all, through the jungle and mangrove swamps of the Malay Peninsula. But this was exactly the route the Japanese took.

As the Japanese attacked through the Peninsula, their troops were ordered to take no prisoners as they would slow up the Japanese advance.

Oh dear, the British Military leaders were very much behind the times and clearly had no understanding of the Japanese mentality........

I wonder how often such a statement holds more than a grain of truth about not understanding the mentality of those in opposition....... Iraq? Afghanistan?

Dave
 
#10 ·
I have never bought a Toyota or Nissan because of their bad behaviour. But the Gerries on the whole fought 'fair' so we do buy VW.

Ray.
 
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#12 ·
I still have major objections to the way the Japanese treated their PoW's - they have never apologised for their barbaric actions.

To me, that alone means that I have never really trusted their "inscrutable" approach to anything - they are very good at blocking out what I regard as "human feelings" and believe they can get away with it.

Dave
 
#13 ·
Dave

Of course you are right to 'object' ( I would use a stronger word, such as despise)to the treatment of POWs by the Japanes.

The Japanese did consider them as 'Enemies'

The Germans murdered their own citizens, and citizens of countries that formed alliances - Sudetanland, Austria etc.

Those citizens did not even have the nominal protection of the Geneva Convention.

So moral choice about buying a vehicle might be a complex dilemma.

Geoff
 
#14 ·
Not in the same way as Germany and every German that I have ever met, has been at pains to apologise for the actions of the Nazi's during that bleak period in European history....

sadly the same has NEVER been heard from Japanese citizens that I have met.....

and that is considering the much closer to home effect of the Nazi atrocities;

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Dave
 
#15 ·
Far from apologising for the Atomic bombs dropped on Hiroshima and Naggasaki, I would of advocated both bombs being dropped on Tokio and that bloody Emperor just to show how vulnerable the rest of em were.

Ray.
 
#18 ·
I doubt the German education system dwells on the atrocities carried out by the Nazi party and SS bullies.
Obviously they lost and don't glorify WW2 as the victors. In fact I would guess most younger Germans don't know too much about WW2.

Ray.
 
#19 ·
Now don'y laugh but..............................
Police officer accidentally fires weapon during Hollande speech

A police sharpshooter has accidentally fired his weapon during a speech by President Francois Hollande. The shot was fired as the officer moved position on a roof near where Mr Hollande was speaking in Villognon.

Ray.
 
#21 ·
Now don'y laugh but..............................
Police officer accidentally fires weapon during Hollande speech

A police sharpshooter has accidentally fired his weapon during a speech by President Francois Hollande. The shot was fired as the officer moved position on a roof near where Mr Hollande was speaking in Villognon.

Ray.
Also, the only shot fired hit two people :grin2:
 
#22 ·
It hit him in the foot, then hit two other people in a nearby tent......

Absolutely brilliant, good to know that they French authorities are making sure to get the most out of the bullets that they can for our taxes....... :grin2:

BUT it does not bode well on weapons security.....

Dave
 
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